The Main Thing

All my life my attitude toward God, the church, and religion in general has been apparently distorted. After 56 years of "religious" service, I've realized that everything spiritual in my life has had to pass through a doing stage in order to give me the kickback I so much have desired...that of feeling accepted by God as "spiritual." In the process, my doing had become the focus and laid the foundation of my perceptions of who and what is religious verses what is not religious. I've lived my life on the circumference doing the old "rope-a-dope" with God. I do...I feel better because God likes me...then as a result I must be spiritual.

I'm not just talking about going to church or teaching a class or participating on visitation or even mouthing my prayers both private and public. Those circumference activities have greatly clouded the main thing. In fact, the main thing has many times been lost and set on the shelf along with many books I have collected but never read.

Doing the same old mundane becomes dull and boring, so on the circumference I'm always looking for the next great "doing" spiritual activity. Then as that becomes the main thing, I again become uninterested and in cyclical fashion go round and round on the edge of the circle of life still dissatisfied.

I have found even in my relationship with God that the spiritual disciplines can so easily become the main thing. I read the Bible according to my daily schedule; Pray to Him unraveling my laundry list of wants and needs; Practicing the liturgy of the Daily Office at a set schedule; and sing about Him in worship to lift my own spirits. Meanwhile God sits in the chair nearby as a spectator.

Daily I pray for my needs for a job and then go out and work hard at my doing with the hopes of accomplishing the task at hand. I then pray God's blessings on my efforts. He continues to sit by patiently.

I have become the central focus and the main thing through my disciplines and piety. I am looking for help for me which is not the "real" main thing. He waits calmly nearby.

Jeremiah had a different approach:

"I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore, I will wait for him." Lam. 3:24

There it is in one short snapshot of reality...God is my portion...He is all I need...He is the main thing. My doing can murky up the waters of God as my portion. I get sidetracked and miss the main thing.

Sitting before Him on a daily basis is not supposed to be about me...it's a focus on Him. If I never pastored again or served in full time ministry, would it be enough for me to have Him as my portion? If all of us had to lay aside our dreams, aspirations, and goals in order to replace them with just God - would we be content?

The reason He is enough is succinctly described in the two verses before this one. In the midst of doubt and trouble and affliction Jeremiah reminded himself:

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. they are new every morning: great is your faithfulness." Lam 3:22-23

The truth is that all my doing has been replaced with God's doing. He is all I need...not God's love...or even His mercy...but God Himself. He is the main thing.

Therefore I can do the undoing thing - wait.

Ode to David

I woke up this morning and found myself in an undesirable place. My first impression was to be overwhelmed by the darkness of the black hole I stood in the midst of. The blackness waved over me like a thick blanket without an end. My hands and my fingers seemed to just mesh into the black as if they weren't even there. My eyes were wide open but my sight seemed constricted and shut. I can't see anything.

The air seemed cold and damp so I felt my way to a cold ledge to rest upon and ponder my fate. I was afraid. There were noises but in quick time I discerned they were nothing but drops of water falling from the ceiling and hitting the floor. I felt all alone. With a quivering voice I cried out, "Is there anyone there?"

Silence in the cave.

After months (that have rolled into years) of seeking light in a life that I was called to be, I have now found myself living in a dark hole of a calling unfulfilled. I've been cast off, forgotten, and rejected. Even the one who called me to walk in the light of service has left me to be alone in black silence. After hundreds of rejections that have piled up to close the cave entry way, I can feel my hope disappearing into the damp and dingy. No progress, no direction, no hope. Failure is outside the cave seeking for me...prowling to devour... so I hide in the depths of the darkness. This is certainly not the place I expected to be when he called me to serve him full time 28 years ago.

Alone...in the dark...playing the waiting game.

I dreamed of being in that wonderful place again...outside in the light...where I would be able to finally serve out of my passion, gifts, and my calling...to leave this dingy cave and be busy again. After all, that is was I was meant to be and do. Then I bowed my head and faced the reality again of my present...the lonely cave when I am now. Dark, dingy, alone, without a purpose on a path that I fear will never end. Alone with me... in a black hole.

I cried out again, "Someone, help me get out of here!"

Again, silence.

Suddenly I felt a presence of another. I could not understand it or explain it. I reached out but couldn't feel anyone or see anything. Yet, I felt the presence of something real...no, I knew someone was there. I felt moved not to speak but to just sit and enjoy that presence. Somehow I just knew that whoever was there cared and loved me even in my fear and insecurity. He loved me for who I was and where I was. As I pondered him, I realized that he was the same one who called me decades ago.

My fears then dissipated into the blackness.

In the midst of the darkness, the demise of my cave peril...my dark situation... took on a new perspective. He is still here with me. He hasn't forgotten or dropped me. He still has a plan for me. Somehow there was meaning again.

I was meant to be here for just this purpose....to wait...to just be me... to just be with him.

In my quietness, I faintly smiled.


"You're my cave to hide in...I want to hide in you. I've put my life in your hands. You won't drop me; you'll never let me down." (David while hiding in a cave) Psalm 31, The Message

A Flyers Trust

Julie and I love to catch an old movie on occasion so we recently watched "The Story of Three Loves" from 1953. The movie was broken up into three vignettes or love stories with the last one focusing on trapeze artist Kirk Douglas. In the story he was the flyer expert trying to teach a newcomer Pier Angeli how to become a flyer with no fear.

In teaching her this art he explained that there is a very special relationship between the flyer and the catcher. As the flyer is swinging high above the crowd, the moment comes when she lets go of the trapeze, when she arcs into the air. For that moment, which must feel like an eternity, the flyer is suspended in nothingness. It is too late to reach back for the trapeze. There is no going back now. She cannot accelerate the catch. In that moment, her job is to be as still and motionless as she can.

"The flyer must never catch the catcher," Kirk Douglas told her. "You must wait in absolute trust. the catcher will catch you. But you must wait. Your job is not to flail about in anxiety. In fact if you do it could kill you. Your job is to be still. To wait. And to wait is the hardest work of all."

You and I may be in that vulnerable moment right now - we have to let go of what God has called us to let go of, but we can't feel God's other hand catching us yet. Will I wait in absolute trust? Will I be patient?

Waiting requires a flyers trust.

Prison Break

Joseph of the Bible and I share a commonality. We have both been spurned by family, placed in a prison cell, and have had to face the brutality of waiting. Waiting is not at the top of my list of enjoyable activities in life. In fact, I hate waiting. Waiting means I have hit a roadblock on the path to accomplishing my goals. It means I have lost control and must trust another. God tells me to wait and reinforces it by calmly saying that in "all things" He is working for my good. Having been spurned by my church family I have served in Sprint prison for these last 5 1/2 years. All my efforts to break out of jail seem to fail and again I am forced to wait and trust. In the dark confines of the mall cell I recant all fear and claim Him as my light and salvation. In His time I will be released and He will place me back into full-time ministry. Meanwhile waiting and trusting is the pathway to peace even when my emotions say He has left me and all hope for a prison break seem lost.