Let My Life Speak

If my calling is "the place where my deep gladness meets the world's deep need" (Frederich Buechner), then what work brings me great joy? If that is true then a calling is something I discover not something I choose.

Yesterday was a haunting day for me. As the process of my discovered calling continues while searching for the right place of ministry, I faced old demons that whispered in my ears all day long, "you're a failure"..."look at your friends, see how successful they are"..."nobody wants you the way you are"..."Is God really going to come through for you?".."you are stuck in oblivion."

The temptation to quit and crawl into the failure cave was very real and present. But discovering my gladness often means the gritty resolution to bear with a hard task when it would be easier to quit. I have to be ruthlessly honest about my deep gladness that it is not dependent on what God has done in other people's lives but stayed upon listening to what God is doing in MY life now. Expectations and comparisons must be pushed aside in order to let my life speak...and that requires listening. My calling is not so much choosing as it is listening. When I listen more intently to the demons than God, I am condemned to live in chronic, low grade anxiety that whispers to me that I am trying to be someone I'm not. The passion and the deep gladness dissipate into the thin air of expectation and comparison.

He speaks every day to me that I am His and He has plans for me. Which "speak" will I listen to the most? Letting my life speak lies in choosing awareness developed from daily practicing God-sensing and people-loving instead of choosing the anxiety of expectation-sensing and status-loving.

Speak today Lord, for your servant is listening.